


yours, steve

by kamwashere



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 1940s, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Captain America trilogy, Coping, Denial, Domestic Avengers, Epistolary, Follows the cinematic universe's timeline, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Journal Entries, Letters, M/M, More tags to be added, Moving On, New York City, Nightmares, Pining, Pop Culture, Post-Battle of New York (Marvel), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Hitler, SHIELD, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Slang, Steve Roger's To-Do List, Steve Rogers gets therapy, Steve looks for Bucky, Therapy, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Winter Soldier Program, World War II, no beta we die like men, with few creative liberties
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2020-04-07 04:38:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19077649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamwashere/pseuds/kamwashere
Summary: Dear Bucky,Happy birthday, pal. You would have been 29 now.Yours,Steve.-Ever since the alien invasion in New York, Steve writes journal entries in forms of letters, addressing one Bucky Barnes, his long-dead best friend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years 2012-2013, Post-Avengers and Pre-TWS

 

Entry #01

* * *

 

July 11, ~~194~~ 2012

0229

Manhattan, New York

~~I have no idea what to write.~~

~~Dear Ma,~~

~~Dear Peggy,~~

 

Dear Bucky,

My therapist said ~~to write in a diary~~ ~~to record my “feelings”~~ to keep a journal starting this day. She said it’s to ‘help me reflect and voice out my feelings.’ I don’t know if it’s gonna work though, so let’s see.

Can you believe it, Buck? I’m seeing an actual shrink. Her name is Dr. Joanna Miller. I remember your uncle. John was it? He used to talk to himself, your pa said. Apparently, the people at ~~SHIE~~ S.H.I.E.L.D. thinks I’m the same crazy as him. Said they were “worried.” Yeah, right. They just want to get their lab rat as close to them as possible. I don’t really care, honest.

~~I don’t know what else to say.~~

It’s been two months at most since the alien invasion here in New York. I believe they’re calling it, “The Battle of New York” It’s unlike anything we had ever faced, Bucky. There were aliens from outer-space (Remember when Stark would use to ramble all day long that we are not alone out there?’ Son of a bitch was right. Speaking of Stark, I met his son. Let’s just say that the apple doesn’t fall from the tree.) We fought a god and with a god. A trickster god named Loki sent all these aliens to claim Earth (I think it was just to spite his brother, Thor.) by opening up a portal. You should have seen it, Bucky. It was like from those books we read when we were young. But different.

I think I made some new acquaintances, too. But they’re not like the Howlies, of course. We called ourselves the Avengers. You would probably laugh at how ridiculous it sounds because of course you would, pal. You’d always find something funny in everything. ~~That’s one of the many things I miss~~

A man named Nick Fury commands an intelligence agency focusing on people with certain… abilities called S.H.I.E.L.D. They were the ones who found my body in the Arctic. He reminds me of the Colonel, actually. They recruited Howard Stark’s son, Tony. He wears a suit of armor, which he invented himself. Calls himself Iron Man. He’s a genius, taking after his father. A loudmouthed, arrogant ass too, taking after his father. But… he’s a good man, nonetheless. Then a woman named Natasha Romanoff. An agent; intelligent and strategic. She fights even better than some men I know, maybe even better. They call her Black Widow, I have no idea why. S.H.I.E.L.D. made her persuade a man who turns into a bulking, green-skinned brute called the Hulk. But when he’s not destroying cities and floating buildings (I will explain later.) he’s just an ordinary, and really smart fella named Bruce Banner.

There was also a Hawkeye, who was under a spell by this Loki, making him turn against S.H.I.E.L.D. At first I was unsure, but Romanoff seems to trust Clint Barton and I respect her judgements. Her and Barton must have been very good friends. I gotta say he’s nifty with a bow and arrow. A decent marksman, though not as good as you. (Alright, don’t get a big head.) It must have been hell being brainwashed, I couldn’t imagine. I mentioned Thor, already. He’s a god from a different realm, he says. He wields a hammer of some sorts called ~~Miyol~~ Molnir (I’m not sure if that is what it’s really called. Never had the appropriate time to ask.) He can also manipulate the thunder and lightning in the skies. It was a sight to see a man with lightning coming out of his body.

There were many casualties, of course. Most of them civilians. ~~I tried to~~

~~I saved as many as I~~

~~I wish I could have~~ We could only live in the present and not in the past. ~~If I could I would have saved all of them~~ There is nothing we could have done. At least it’s over. For now.

I don’t know if I’m going to see these peoples again, whether in battle or not. But I know in my heart that if anyone ever threatens our world again, I would stop at nothing to fight back. That’s always been my job. There is one thing Loki and Hitler have in common; they’re just bullies. Bullies with the power they don’t deserve but still have.

You and I both know that I don’t like bullies.

That’s all I have to say for now. ~~~~

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

 

 

Entry #02

* * *

 

July 29, 2012

1435

Brooklyn, New York

 

 

Dear Bucky,

I’m currently writing this inside a coffeehouse in front of what used to be our apartment.1 Everything is so different, Buck. But still the same. The bridge is still there, of course. Some of the buildings I still somewhat recognize. It’s strange not seeing rows of laundry on the street, and instead of the smell of soap, all I can smell is garbage and cooked hot dogs.

There was a woman who approached me earlier while I was eyeing up ~~our~~ the apartment that we used to share then. A family is living in it now, she said. She asked me if I’m looking for something. I said no ma’am. She asked if I knew them. I smiled and shook my head, then I apologized for wasting her time. She stared at me then, and for a second I thought she recognized me. Then she smiled and said I looked like a “buff Jack Dawson.” I told her I didn’t know who that was.

I’m staying in an apartment2 in D.C. as of now. Provided and furnished by S.H.I.E.L.D. They're trying to recruit me, actually. Officially, not just as an agent, but also a field operative. I'm not sure I'd be a good fit for ~~spio~~ espionage. I'm always gonna be a soldier.

Anyway, I don’t stay there most of the time. Except to shower and rest… when I can. And I don’t think I have it in me to stay in Brooklyn. And I know you’d protest in that and I understand. Brooklyn is home; it’s in my blood. The pavement in which I’m stepping on is etched with memories I hold dear.

It’s too… ~~painful~~ ~~overwhelming~~ much.

I don’t sleep at all anymore, not unless I really needed to. It was more difficult, the first month I came back. I’m plagued with nightmares. Everytime I close my eyes, I feel like I’m back on ice. ~~I remember sinking~~ ~~I remember drowning in the cold~~

~~I remember everything~~

Maybe I’ll tell you about the nightmares someday.

 

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

 

 

Entry #03

* * *

 August 20, 2012

1257

Washington, D.C.

 

Dear Bucky,

My therapist, Dr. Mills suggested that I keep a list of references that I don’t understand so I wouldn’t get confused and feel out of place all the time.

So far this is what I have in said list3

\- Disney  
\- AC/DC (Band)  
\- Lord of the Rings (Movie, Book)  
\- Titanic

 

I’ve been frequenting libraries and record stores trying to catch up with the world, in almost seventy years I have missed. I never run out of books to read, films to watch, music to listen to. The world has changed a lot from watching newsreels from a theatre, now you could have these things in your home… and more. Stark and Barton are experts in pop culture, and their mouths never stop running their mouths whenever I look so much as confused. At least I’m not the only one. Thor seems just as clueless, yet enthusiastic about it in the occasions he would visit.

I forgot to tell you… I've taken on SHIELD's offer. Figured it would do me some good. Fury says our missions will vary from time to time, but as for now Romanoff, and Barton will accompany me, since they are SHIELD's best combat agents. Fury also told me that I should train, which frankly I found nonsense at first, but I guess this is my way of getting back into the world, and it doesn’t hurt training to be more useful out there. Plus, I heard there are new forms and styles in combat since the Second War. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious.

Stark invited us to come live in his… building, which was newly furnished and just finished reconstructing last week. He calls it Avengers Tower now, which I still don’t know what to feel about. Apparently PR thinks it’s great, a beacon of hope for some. At least that’s what Ms. Potts said. I still don’t know whether to take up on Stark’s offer. Dr. Mills think that it’s good to surround myself with friends and people I know and are intimate with.

I’m not sure they’re even my friends. Teammates, sure. We keep too much from each other. ~~They’re not like you.~~

Dr. Mills think I have trouble letting people into my life. Says I’m still in shock. I don’t think she understands. I don’t belong here, Bucky. I should have been dead, I’ve accepted my death. ~~I want to go back.~~ If only there was some way to go back. I wish you were here somehow. But you’re not.

 

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

 

 

Entry #04

* * *

 

 September 14, 2012

1801

Washington, D.C.

 

Dear Bucky,

Sorry for not writing in so long. My new job as an agent for SHIELD is time-consuming. But it's nice to take my mind off things. They introduced new versions of the suit today, including some modifications and extra gear and protection. They thought I could use an upgrade. (I bet this is Tony’s idea.) But I do like the stealth suit.

I've updated my "to-do list:"

 ~~-~~ ~~Disney~~  
~~-~~ ~~AC/DC~~  
\- Lord of the Rings ( ~~Movie~~ , Book)  
~~-~~ ~~Titanic~~  
\- War Games  
\- Princess Bride  
\- Captain America comics (I can't believe they still make these.)

 

I liked those Disney movies. I can't believe they were even better than when we first saw Snow White in the cinema. The animation was so fluid, the penwork was flawless. They must have had spent days on that film.

The AC/DC one turned out to be a rock band, which I should have seen coming since they were suggested by Tony. I like some of the songs, but not much. Too loud.

Tony, Clint, Natasha and I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy in one sitting. It was pretty good, though those stunted fights must have hurt those actors.

Titanic was a long one. Devastating. I don't get the Jack Dawson resemblance, though.

~~I wish you were still alive. So you could experience the future with me.~~

 

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

 

 

Entry #05

* * *

 

 October 30, 2012

0242

Washington, D.C.

 

Dear Bucky,

Do you remember that mission in '43 where we encountered some Nazis on the way back to camp?

We laughed at them after we beat and shot some of them because of their loyalty to Hitler and his ideals. We laughed because they would do some sort of salute for him, unrepentant and unwavering. We laughed because we all know they will never win this war, not until I have a say in it.

People said the war ended decades ago. 67 years, to be exact. But millions of people still died. What would have happened if I was still alive, just a little longer then? ~~Could I have prevented more deaths?~~ ~~Would it have made any difference?~~

When people recognized me, they thanked me. For fighting for our country. For taking down HYDRA. For being the greatest tactical mind this century. I smile and nod and go along with it. But I don’t understand. If I didn’t die, I could have prevented those deaths. I could have done something. I could have done more.

Guess this is what I get for trying to sleep.

 

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

 

 

Entry #06

* * *

 

December 25, 2012

 2401

Manhattan, New York

 

Dear Bucky,

Merry Christmas.

 

~~I miss you, pal.~~

 

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

 

 

Entry #07

* * *

 

January 3, 2013

2046

Manhattan, New York

 

Dear Bucky,

New Year's Eve turned out to be a handful. Some fella dressed in spandex thought it would be real funny to try to hold the entire Times Square hostage. Luckily, the "interrogation" lasted only for a couple of hours and no one was hurt. Alcohol can really change you overnight. Tony was especially pissed since his party got interrupted. He and the entire NYPD on duty both.

People had a fit in New Year's Day. Back then, my ma and I just stayed at home, listening to the radio and went on as if it was any other day. As the countdown from radio reaches zero, ma would hug me and thank the Lord for another year that passed. The 21st century has different traditions, but somehow still similar? Fireworks were being set off everywhere, bright lights were lit up, and people filled the streets. There were loud music everywhere you turned in Manhattan. Overwhelming.

Natasha told me to loosen up. I said nothing.

Here's to a new year, Buck.

 

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

 

 

Entry #08

* * *

 

March 10, 2013

2405

Washington, D.C.

 

Dear Bucky,

Happy birthday, pal. You would have been 29 now.

 

Yours,

Steve.

 

* * *

 

 

Entry #09

* * *

April 10, 2013

0500

Washington, D.C.

 

Dear Bucky,

The weirdest thing just happened today. I was approached by the Department of Education, said that they would like me to be the face of fitness, said that I was to host a bunch of videos about teaching good health and right behavior to youngins. Had a half mind telling them that I’m the least appropriate example of fitness, or good behavior for that matter. I was in such a shock that I couldn’t say no. We start filming them videos next week.

Also.

It was Peggy's birthday yesterday. Several news companies and everyone at SHIELD paid homage for what she's done to the country, both as a soldier and a secret agent. It's incredible that she's getting the recognition and praise she so rightfully deserves.

I want to visit her. God in heavens, I do. She must know that I'm still alive. ~~But I don't think~~

I loved her. Still do. Maybe I always will. I'm happy for the life she lived. I'm happy that she kept going on despite everything. If she had lived in pain, and didn't let go, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself.

Peggy moved on. Maybe it's time I do, too.

 

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

 

 

Entry #10

* * *

 

April 29, 2013

2216

Manhattan, New York

Dear Bucky,

Tony came back today. He looked like he's seen better days but otherwise, he's fine. Pepper gave him the shaking of his life before crushing him into a hug.

I felt a little guilty for not being there when he needed me… when he needed us but it looks like he could handle. Heck, he is Tony Stark. He doesn't need a suit to figure things out. When I looked at his eyes, I wondered how Howard, the bastard, managed to raise a kid properly. Maybe he had nothing to do with it.

He told me about the nightmares, how the invasion still keeps him up. I wish I could say that I understand what he’s going through. Maybe I do, to some degree. ~~But you see, my nightmares don’t consist of slimy aliens or gods with magic tricks. They’re about train cars and falling into snowy ravines.~~

 

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

 

 

Entry #11

* * *

 

July 4, 2013

2300

Washington, D.C.

 

Dear Bucky,

I remember when you, me, and ma, bless her soul, used to celebrate my birthday. We used to save pennies and dimes all year so we would be able to go to the fair. We didn’t care that we couldn’t afford the food or play the games. We just wanted to see the shows, especially the magic tricks. You was doll dizzy though, used to get all the dames and I would just stand behind you like an idiot. You would talk me up though, but it never worked, not even with your charm and good looks. Who could possibly be enamored with a barely hundred pounds, stick with legs? ~~But I didn’t care. I wanted to spend time with you anyway~~  Bless you though, for trying.

Before I met you, my ma and I used to just spend that time at our small home. She would wake me up with a kiss on my head and a smile on her face. She would skip work just to be with me all day, and I couldn’t complain because I loved being with her and I didn’t want her to work to death, like she usually does. I would skip school, too and if the weather is good, we would go outside, usually to the park. Sometimes we would just stay in, she would try to teach me how to dance. But you and I both know I have two left feet. Then for dinner, she would make bread pudding with a side of mash or if we’re lucky, her famous apple pie for the two of us. There’s not a day that has gone by that I don’t miss her.

Then you came and I can tell she already loved you, like you were her own. And I know that you loved her too, especially so that year when your mama died, God bless her soul.

This is the first time I celebrated my birthday since your death. I couldn’t find it in me to commemorate a day, especially something that was special to the both of us, without you in it. But the Avengers forced me celebrate and it’s ridiculous that I feel guilty that I actually had fun.

I’m sorry, Buck.

 

God, I'm writing to a dead man.

 

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

 

 

Entry #12 

* * *

 

July 25, 2013

0345

Washington, D.C.

 

Dear Bucky,

I don't know how to write this but I know I had to let it out. I had a nightmare today. It was about you, Buck. Again.

We were inside the compartment, but the soldier trying to kill us wasn't there. The train was moving fast. Too fast. Then suddenly, floor beneath us split in half. You fell. I rushed in, stuck my hand out, screaming for you to hold on. You were barely grasping the handle. You looked up to me then, and you smiled. Even now that I'm wide awake, I can still see it. That smile still haunts me. Then the veins in your skin turned blue, the snow covered your hair white, and your lips had become chapped and coated with frost. Then you fell. Then I woke up.

Did you know I almost jumped out of that goddamn train? I wanted to go after you. If the boys hadn't caught me, I would have done it. I didn't sleep that night. Or the nights after that. I was so determined to find you. I didn't wanna believe you weren't still alive.

The first hour of the morning, I was strapped in and ready to go. We had a search party looking for you or any traces of your body. We looked all day and all night. I never stopped finding you, even for a second. But you were gone. Vanished like a puff of air. Not even a drop of blood or any indication at all that you were there.

There was a "funeral." The worse thing though, was that there was no body, and how could I mourn you properly when there was nothing to grieve? God, Buck, the way Rebecca cried. I know how much you loved her, and the struggle the both of you went to. She was only 17, and had lost so much. I was going to adopt her, did you know? After I had finished my tour, I told myself that she won't have to be alone. She cried when I asked her. I wished I had honored that promise, but I fell before I even finished my tour. I heard she lives somewhere in DUMBO now. I promise I'll visit her soon.

You remember the last real conversation we had before we had zip lined into that damn train? Not that Coney Island bit. No, I remember that morning. We had a little fight because you were a little hungover after last night. I told you to take it easy in the mission, and you told me to stop babying you. You told me that "the last thing you ain't wanna hear before you die was me mothering you." I told you that you weren't gonna die, not on my watch. Guess that's another promise I broke. I think about that day a lot, Buck, and I guess I will always regret that that was one of the last things we talked about before you fell. Your death is my greatest failure.4 It's true they say that you don't know what you got until it's gone.

It's almost 4 in the morning and I'm writing to someone dead… talking about the day they died. But I don't care. ~~I know this sounds wack but it feels like you're still there. God, you're probably watching over me from above and mocking my life choices~~

I hope you found peace, pal. Cause if I'm being honest, I don't think I ever will.

 

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

 

 

Entry #13

* * *

 

October 3, 2013

1500

Washington, D.C.

 

Dear Bucky,

There was this man I had encountered while I was out for a run early this morning. Well, barely morning. It must have been around 0200. He runs like a man being followed, though I passed him like five times which seemed to piss him off. He had ~~blod~~ bloodshot eyes, doesn't look well at all. I wanted to ask if he was okay, but he stormed away just as I was about to.

An update on my list:

  ~~War~~ Games  
- ~~Princess Bride~~  
-Captain America comics (I can't believe they still make these.)  
\- Stairway to Heaven (Led Zeppelin)  
\- Kurt Vonnegut (Author)  
\- Rap

 

I'm thinking of taking comics off the list.

War Games was funny, a bit of a stretch. I think you would have liked it, actually.

Princess Bride was very funny, too. The swordplay between Inigo Montoya and the masked man, Westley was very entertaining to watch, surprisingly intricate too.

I remember how much you loved watching in the theaters. Newsreels, films, anything. ~~If you'd been alive today~~

 

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

 

 

Entry #14 

* * *

 

December 26, 2013

1900

Manhattan, New York

 

Dear Bucky,

Merry Christmas, Buck.

I'm currently staying in the Avengers Tower, at least until tomorrow then I'm back in my apartment in DC. The whole gang's here, even Thor, surprisingly. Tony and Bruce are hunched over the kitchen, currently doing some kind of science experiment. Everyone knows better than to bother them. Clint and Natasha are playing ~~Scramble~~ Scrabble. I don't know how to play the game, but Natasha seems to be winning. Clint is fuming, which just makes the smug smile on Natasha's face grow wider. Thor is… eating leftovers and laughing at the "funny Midgardian box” (his words exactly; he’s watching the television.)

Dr. Mills told me I looked… calmer. More at ease. I guess I’m getting used to this decade. I do appreciate how everything is just easier in the future. Like, vacuum cleaners, for example. Pepper showed me how to use one that Natasha got me last Christmas (since it has been living with dust bunnies inside my closet) and it’s absolutely incredible. It sucks the garbage in! Paper, plastic, tiny pieces of metal; you name it. You can set it to low or high setting, and it has a change indicator which alerts you to replace the dust bag (which is where it stores the dirt!!!) or the filter in it. It has silence insulation; Pepper said that vacuum cleaners used to be really loud but Natasha really picked a good one. It has a safety shut-off prevents the motor from overheating in the event that a damaging item is sucked up, which apparently can do that. It’s a good addition in the apartment to keep the carpet clean.

That reminds me, I visited Rebecca yesterday. She goes by Proctor now. She cried when she saw me, I almost did too. She told me his husband died recently; he served, too. They have two children, Lauren, the eldest and James, the youngest. She looks happy, Bucky. I feel so incredibly proud. Despite the pain and loneliness, she thrived, like I knew she would. She inspires me.

 ~~I wonder how we would both look growing old. Bet you’d look stupid with a beard~~.

I’ll see you again, Bucky. Maybe not in this lifetime but I’ll see you again, I promise you that.

 

Yours,

Steve

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 So I had to research potential places in Brooklyn Steve could have grown up in, and based on the [Official Handbook to the Marvel Universe](https://mappingnewyork.wordpress.com/2012/05/08/map-of-manhattan-in-the-official-handbook-to-the-marvel-universe/) and this amazing [analysis](https://thingswithwings.dreamwidth.org/213805.html) of Steve’s birthplace, Steve’s apartment is probably around Montague Street in Brooklyn Heights! The café/coffeehouse Steve was talking about in this scene is called [Heights Café.](http://www.heightscafeny.com/)
> 
> 2 Based on MCU canon, Steve’s DC apartment’s address is 1614 Connecticut Ave NW in Washington, DC. 
> 
> 3 Remember that list Steve has in CA: TWS? I figured he had that way before the events of TWS, and so the stuff in there probably comes from a bunch of stuff he hears from the Avengers. 
> 
> 4 This whole phrase is heavily inspired from Captain America: White!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from Dr. Mills’ session with Mr. Rogers, dated NOV 2013.

 

 

**Dr. Joanna Mills,**

Individual & Family Counseling

PH.D., M.D., A.M.A. A.P.A.

Two Bridges, Manhattan, New York City

 

I record all of my sessions for posterity, to enable me to provide my patients with the highest level of care. This is an EXCERPT of a transcript of my session with **Rogers, Steven G. **on **November 7th, 2013**. These transcripts are never shared with other parties without consent from the patient.

 

* * *

 

 

 **DR. MILLS:** And can we talk about the journal? Can you tell me how’s that been going on

 **ROGERS** : It’s good. Still doing it.

 **DR. MILLS** : And you’re writing to…

 **ROGERS** : Bucky. Bucky Barnes

 **DR. MILLS** : Your best friend during the war. I wrote about an essay in History about him when I was in high school.

 **ROGERS** : He died. On duty.

 **DR. MILLS** : Why him? Why write to him?

 

_**ROGERS** shifts on his seat, pondering on his answer._

 

 **ROGERS** : I don’t know. It’s easier.

 **DR. MILLS** : Easier how?

 **ROGERS** : Bucky and I, we’ve been the best of pals since we were kids. I tell him everything.

 **DR. MILLS** : Do you think it’s easier to talk to someone who you feel like you don’t have to hide?

 **ROGERS** : I-I guess.

 **DR. MILLS** : What was your relationship like with Barnes? I assume it’s not platonic…?

 **ROGERS** : What?

 **DR. MILLS** : Don’t feel like you have to answer right away. Remember, Steve; this is a safe space.

 

_**ROGERS** stays quiet._

 

 **DR. MILLS** : I only asked because in every session we had, the topic of Bucky Barnes came up at least 27 times.

 **ROGERS** : Oh.

 **DR. MILLS** : I want you to really think–

 **ROGERS** : –It ain’t like that, with Bucky and I. You know, queers– gay, gay people, they were...

 **DR. MILLS** : I’m aware.

 **ROGERS** : –So. But I don’t know, I guess I never thought about it.

DR. MILLS: It’s not like that anymore, Steve.

 **ROGERS** : I know that. Back then, I never really thought about having a future, much less spend it with someone, anyone. Always thought I’d die during battle. And I did, for a while. But then I didn’t. Now, I’m faced with a future that’s uncertain, and with no one.

 **DR. MILLS** : You have the Avengers, Steve. They're your team, your friends.

 **ROGERS** : That they are.

 

_A pause._

 

 **DR. MILLS** : What was Barnes like?

 

_**ROGERS** smiles._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

**PROPERTY OF S.H.I.E.L.D.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Year 2014, mid- and post-TWS

Entry #15

* * *

 

January 29, 2014

2400

Chicago, Illinois

Dear Bucky,

I'm currently staying in a hotel in Chicago. Just came back from a mission with Natasha and a SHIELD agent named Brock Rumlow. Our objective was to retrieve a liquid weapon, the Zodiac, which was stolen by a group of terrorists led by a man named Baker. Intel said that they were going to be in the Willis Tower in Chicago and had a SHIELD scientist taken hostage. Rescue was successful and package secured; apparently they were after her because she is the leading expert on the Zodiac.1

Fury didn't say anything except that it was a powerful, deadly, and property of SHIELD. We're not sure what Baker would want to do with the weapon. But the most probable reason was that they plan to unleash it to the hundreds of people in the Skydeck. If that's the case, then we stopped them just in time.

It's the first official mission we have without Clint, who's gone off.. somewhere. Apparently he does that, disappear like a bubble. I asked Natasha about it and got the vaguest answer. "He's gone somewhere in tri-state area. Probably."

Rumlow was his stand-by, and he's good; does his job properly. Natasha told me he's the third most competent SHIELD agent, next to her and Clint. She told me that he is the team operative of the sub-blackops division S.T.R.I.K.E, has level 6 clearance, and that she doesn't trust him. I don't know if that's supposed to help me, since Natasha doesn't trust anyone.

Happy new year, by the way. 

 

Yours,

Steve

* * *

 

Entry #16

* * *

February 10, 2014

0732

Washington, D.C.

Dear Bucky,

Passed by the man again when I went for a run. He seems much better now, considering. Still doesn't know his name.

New neighbor today. You would have liked her, Buck. Blonde, blue eyes; exactly your type. I remember when you always tried to bring over these types at the bar. I don't know… should I talk to her? I probably shouldn't, I'd just mess it up. 

 

Quick update on my list (I took off the comics)

- ~~ Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin ~~

- ~~Kurt Vonnegut~~

- ~~ Rap ~~

- I Love Lucy (Television)

- Moon Landing

- Berlin Wall (Up+Down)

- Steve Jobs (Apple)

I liked Led Zeppelin, which is surprising because Tony (again with the obscure bands) suggested it. Planning to listen to them more actually.

I read Slaughter-house Five in one sitting. That's how good it was. Rap is very impressive to the ears, but I'm not sure if it's for me. 

Yours, 

Steve

 

* * *

 

 

Entry  #17

* * *

March 2, 2014

0550

Washington, D.C

Dear Bucky,

Finally have a name for the man I frequently run with in my route near the Washington Monument. His name is Sam Wilson, and he served too. Pararescue, and works as a counselor at the Veteran's Affairs. He's a good man, I can tell. I'm glad he's doing something good for himself.

Found out something horrifying, but unsurprising yesterday. After a mission that has gone  awry in the middle of the Indian Ocean, I confronted Fury. My suspicions of him keeping secrets from me was valid after all. Not like I'm surprised, this is SHIELD we're talking about. And like what Tony said, Fury's secrets have secrets. 

~~I don't know if I'm even allowed to write this down, but fuck it~~ ~~.~~ Since the things that have gone down in the Battle of New York (or God, I don't know, maybe even longer than that) Fury has been overseeing Project Insight, a “contingency plan”. It’s supposedly a secret. Armed Helicarriers that takes out whatever SHIELD deems a threat ~~,~~ ~~ be it aliens or "commies" ~~ If you ask me, Fury's paranoia is clouding his judgement. There's obviously a lot of things he's not telling us (or me, for that matter. I'm not surprised it Natasha knows something about it, I'll have to ask her. 

There's still a lot I don't know about, and I plan to change that.

 

Yours, 

Steve

* * *

 

Entry #18

* * *

March 4, 2014

2210

Washington, D.C

Dear Bucky, 

 

I went to the Smithsonian museum today. That was before I visited Peggy in the hospital. 

Her children told me she had dementia. Just like what your ma had. 

Peggy's husband, Daniel, I believe, died a couple of years back and it wasn't until months later, Peggy fell into this state. Her memory is getting worse and worse everyday. Angela 2 , Peggy's firstborn, told me that she might not get any better soon, and they both accepted that. 

She has gray hair and wrinkles now, and she still looks beautiful as ever. Her smile is the same. So is the brown in her eyes. 

You know, growing up with the sickly, twig body I had, I never thought I would outlive anyone I ever knew. Always thought I'd be the first to clock out. 

But I'm still here. I even outlived you. I imagine if you had anything to say about it, you'd think it's unfair. And it is, Buck, it really is. 

Did you know that they had our ugly mugs plastered in wall in the Smithsonian? Seeing Dum-Dum's mustache and Frenchie's stupid hat was so refreshing. There was a big poster for you too, but you always looked mad in all of them. Your eyebrows are always furrowed, but you still looked handsome as ever. 

They also kept the notebook you always carried around with you. You always were the writer, the tragic poet. 

~~ I've always wondered what you wrote ~~

 

Yours, 

Steve

 

* * *

 

Entry #19

* * *

March 9, 2014

0119

~~ Washington, D.C ~~

Dear Bucky, 

 

A lot happened this week. I guess I should start by saying that Nick Fury is dead, a man with an arm made of metal is after me, and also, I guess I'm a fugitive now. 

I'm not going to say much here, in case they ever find this journal but all I can say is that Nick Fury was hiding something. SHIELD is most definitely compromised. Arnim Zola is "alive" (not the term I'd use) and has been rebuilding HYDRA within the SHIELD ever since. There's no one to trust, maybe besides Natasha. 

The fact that the  ~~ assassin ~~ man that is after Natasha and I being basically a ghost does not help either. He's strong, and fast. The metal arm may pose problems for us. 

A friend has kindly offered help and a lot more than we could have asked for. I'm fine for now. 

I might not be able to write in a very long time. 

 

Yours,

Steve

 

* * *

 

Entry #20

* * *

 

It was you. 

God, what have they done to you?

 

* * *

 

Entry #21

* * *

March 13, 2014

0948

Washington, D.C

 

Dear Bucky,

 

You saved me. 

That means that there is some part of you, whatever they did to you, that’s still there. Good God, Bucky, you’re actually alive. Part of me can’t possibly believe it, and another part of me is seeing red with anger. 

I’ve read the files (thanks to Natasha). I haven’t finished it yet, but every time I discover just the things they did to you… it was inhumane. My heart breaks for what happened to you, Buck. 

For the briefest second I forget that you’re still alive and you’re still out there, something snaps in my chest and I am overwhelmed by the image of you fighting back against… this. I don’t even know what to call this. They’ve turned you into a weapon.

Bucky, you saved me. You could have left me to drown in that river and die but you didn’t. Did you remember who you were? Do you remember me?

I have to believe that you did. I have to believe that the kid who beat bullies up for me when we first met is still there. I have to believe that the man who followed me in the war is still there. I can’t possibly go on knowing you’re out there and not here by my side. I’ll find you, wherever you are, I swear it to God.

Whether it’s in North Pole or hell itself, so be it.

 

Always yours, 

Steve

 

~~ PS. It was your birthday three days ago. I hope you’re somewhere safe.  ~~

 

* * *

 

Entry #22

* * *

March 20, 2014

0948

New York, New York

 

Dear Bucky,

 

I’m with Sam on a flight on our way to Zurich. After roughly two days of trying to analyze the files and getting into contact with the possible intelligence agents you might have encountered with (that haven’t already been killed by HYDRA), we decided the best place to start was the place ~~I left you alone in the cold ~~ you were presumed dead: Central Alps of Switzerland, down by the Danube River. It’s a ten-hour flight and Sam’s already bellyaching. I can’t blame him, I never did like flying. Good thing Tony provided us with a private plane.  ~~with ladies onboard, which he insisted. I did not think it was important so we very politely declined.~~ I am very grateful for his assistance, despite everything. Sam’s too. 

I’m not hoping to find you there, but I’m hoping that what I would find there would lead me to you, wherever you are. I just hope that wherever you are Buck, you have a place to sleep and food to eat. 

I know what I’m going to find there isn’t going to paint you in the best light, but I don’t care. Just come back to me, Buck.

 

Yours, 

Steve

* * *

Entry #23

* * *

March 22, 2014

0336

Malbun, ~~Lich~~ Liechtenstein

Dear Bucky,

 

We landed. And drove all the way to  Liechtenstein to get closer to the place we’re aiming for. Currently staying in one of Tony’s cabins here (yes, he has more than one. Bastard.) I already wrote about this but right after you fell, I wanted to fall with you. Believe me, Buck, I would die with you. But Red Skull was still at large, and I couldn’t just abandon my responsibility. Now a part of me wonders if I regret not plunging in the cold darkness with you, since apparently all the effort  I we have extinguished has all been for nothing, HYDRA is still out there. I trekked the alps to look for your body, but nothing. Now I know why. 

You know it’s funny. The last time I was here I was looking for you, but now I’m back here again, still looking for you.

 

Yours,

Steve

 

* * *

 

Entry #24

* * *

April 15, 2014

2150

Dear Bucky, 

 

We’re on our way back.

Sorry I haven’t written in so long. The HYDRA base that took and operated on you wasn’t listed in the HYDRA bases that has been identified by SSR/SHIELD in the records. It took three weeks at most to scour most of the Alps (it’s quite beautiful without all that snow) to find any signs of any  ~~ Goddamn ~~ HYDRA facilities. But when we found it, there wasn’t much. It looked more like a dirty, abandoned hospital more than anything. 

 

This is what we know so far:

\- Your body was found (by a ~~kraut~~ ~~nazi~~ Soviet soldier, most probably) and was handed over to HYDRA to be the subject for the Winter Soldier program. 

\- The Winter Soldier Program was a HYDRA project, spearheaded by Vasily Karpov of Department X, that aimed to replicate the Super Soldier Serum. But instead of creating a Captain Germany or something, they brainwashed able-bodied people and turned them into deadly assassins to eliminate threats to HYDRA. We have reason to believe that Arnim Zola was the one who was overseeing you. 

\- Your confirmed kills are: John F. Kennedy, Jacques Dupuy, Harry Baxtor, Andre Rostov, and Zhang Chin. But Natasha said you have been credited by more than two dozen, so this list is incomplete. 

\- You were kept in cryostasis when you’re not… assigned on a mission. Explains why you haven’t aged.

\- We’ve found evidence that there could be another facility in Siberia which might yield more answers.

 

Writing this down… I still hardly believe it. This is not you, Buck. I hope to God that you believe me when I tell you that this is not you. 

 

Yours,

Steve

 

* * *

Entry #25

* * *

April 22, 2014

0716

Dulles, Virginia

Dear Bucky, 

 

Tomorrow, we continue our search. This time it’s in somewhere in Siberia, Russia. Sam and I think that there’s a huge HYDRA base somewhere in Krasnoyarsk Krai. At least we can narrow that down. I didn’t want to inconvenience Tony anymore so I decided that we should just book flights normally. It didn't matter anyway because once the people in charge saw us, they immediately assigned us to a private plane. Luckily, we compromised on first class. Sam, who very verbally sulked, reminded me that we have to wear disguises for 17 hours. That's a small price to pay. 

I wonder how you’re doing right now. Please be safe. 

  
  


Yours, 

Steve

 

* * *

 

Entry #26

* * *

April 26, 2014

0241

Achinsk, Krasnoyarsk Krai

 

Dear Bucky, 

 

We just landed. Currently in the hotel. Sam is passed out in his room… I probably should sleep too but my mind won’t let me.

You probably don't remember this but when I was 12 and you were 13, I had a bout of cold. I remember thinking that it was the worst feeling in the world. My ma and I didn't know it was pneumonia then, and I could feel that she was scared. She had lost Pa, and she couldn't bear the thought of losing me. I thought I was losing me too. But you came to the rescue. You had dragged poor Mrs. Barnes to our house and demanded that she'd call a doctor on me. God bless Winnie Barnes, she did right away after seeing me. But the doctor was late, and I was shivering and barking like a dog. I probably wouldn't last long, and I think you knew that. You stayed anyway. You were curled up with me beside the bed and was humming a song I didn't know. I felt safe, and in that moment I'd have accepted my death. 

But you refused. I told you that and you got mad at me. You said I'm not going to die, don't be silly Stevie, just wait a while. Eventually the doctor came and gave us home remedies. Ever since then, you probably realized just how sickly I am because you got more cautious around me. But you didn't baby me (sometimes) I appreciated that. You were just less... careless. Rowdy. I appreciated that. 

You've always been there for me, probably giving more damn about my health more than I did. There isn't a single time I have ever felt abandoned by you. 

Yet I did exactly that to you. I'm sorry Bucky. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sor

 

* * *

 

Entry #27

* * *

May 30, 2014

1654

Achinsk, Krasnoyarsk Krai

Dear Bucky, 

 

Howard and Maria. It was the Winter Soldier, wasn't it, Buck? 

~~ Did you ever try to esca ~~

I wonder what's worse. If you remember  the people you them or not. It's probably the latter.

~~ How long did you fight bac ~~

I’m not going to write what I found out, might fall into the wrong hands but it wasn't your fault, Buck. It wasn't you. And I want you to know that I forgive you. I hope you could forgive me, too. 

 

Yours, 

Steve

 

* * *

 

Entry #28

* * *

July 4, 2014

2355

Washington, D.C

Dear Bucky, 

 

Don't think of this as me losing hope because I damn well would rather die than give up. But you need distance, a safe space. I respect that. I want that for you. So I'm not going to track you anymore. 

I know you've recognized me. You know me, Buck. Maybe that's the reason why you went to the museum, because you know all the people plastered on the walls.  3

But you don't have to go through this alone. I told you I'm in this with you no matter what. So if you decided that you want that too, you know where I am. 

 

'Till the end of the line, 

Steve

  
  
  
  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 Based on the Captain America: The Winter Soldier Prelude comic.
> 
> 2 I took the liberty of naming Peggy’s children (she had two) Angela and Daniel Sousa Jr. Angela came from Peggy’s best friend Angie Martinelli in the Agent Carter show and Daniel because in this fic, Peggy and Daniel ended up together.
> 
> 3 Based on this [tweet](https://twitter.com/arthur_affect/status/1120960078205472768?lang=en) by Arthur Chu. Chu was an extra in CA:TWS, but the shot he was in got deleted so he wasn’t credited.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mission Report: June 7, 2009. File extracted and translated by Natasha Romanoff, S.H.I.E.L.D. Clearance Level 6

**Конфиденциальной**

 

 

 

 

Кодовое имя: зима Солдат _Codename: Winter Soldier_

Отдел X, Москва отдел _Department X, Moscow division_

Миссия Отчет: Июнь 7, 2009 _Mission Report: June 7, 2009_

 

Цель: Устранить Д-р Мариша Быков

_Objective: Eliminate Dr. Marisha Bykov_

 

 

Из-за неожиданным поворотом событий было установлено, что цель наняла советского агента. Но, несмотря ни на что, Солдат достиг главной цели с небольшими последствиями.

_Due to unexpected turn of events, it was determined that the target hired a Soviet agent. But despite everything, the Soldier has achieved main objective with little consequence._

 

 

 

**[УТВЕРЖДЕНО ДЛЯ СТИРАНИЯ ПАМЯТИ]**

 

 

**[УТВЕРЖДЕНО ДЛЯ КРИОСТАЗ]**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations
> 
> \- CONFIDENTIAL  
> \- CLEARED FOR MEMORY WIPE  
> \- CLEARED FOR CRYOSTASIS
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer
> 
> i DO NOT speak russian. i repeat, i do NOT(!!!!) speak russian so PLEASE, please if you speak russian and i butcherex your language, tell me ASAP (and help me fix it lmao)
> 
> so, this was based on nat's encounter with winter soldier as said on ca:tws. the italicised words are the what nat translated and i didn't bother with the bold ones cause i figured those were easily told/explained in person. oh, and the name! that was a random name, don't worry.
> 
> side note; upcoming chapters will be about aou and ca:cw! so tune in for that. when will it come? your guess is as good as mine. LMAO.

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, just a quick disclaimer, I don't live in New York so I apologize if anything feels off in this fic. Secondly, this was kind of a bitch to edit shbdhgbs. I kinda went hard on this one too (let's just say I know more about Brooklyn's history than my own city lmfao) also speaking of Brooklyn, I figured Steve would be using slang from the 40's so if there are some grammatical errors, it's PROBABLY intentional. If it's not, then I'm sowwy! Thirdly, this is UNBETAED. So any mistakes is due to the fact that I have Dumb BitchTM disease. Lastly, this fic canon-compliant (ISH. So most of the times, it follows canon) but I've taken some liberties to add/change few, slight adjustments. I'll probably throw in some of my personal headcanons about Steve/Bucky/Stucky in there, who knows. ALSO, don't worry Bucky will come back (DUH)
> 
> EDIT (12-26-19): heeeeeeeeeeeeellloooooooooo there, i'm back! so sorry this was short, but uh HAPPY HOLIDAYS! this is set during and after ca:tws. so, yeah, bucky is back. i hope you enjoyed this chapter. a bonus will be posted on 29th. <3 (ALSO! disclaimer: still no beta for this, folx! sorry! feel free to point out my mistakes!)
> 
> come scream about stucky with me on [tumblr!](https://kamwashere.tumblr.com)


End file.
